Aparigraha: the term comes from the Yoga Sutras and is part
of a guide for ethical living. It means "non-grasping" and invites us to let go in
physical, cognitive, emotional, and spiritual ways.
For me, this month marks the four-year anniversary of moving
to Denver and into my house here. That’s the longest that I’ve lived in one house
as an adult! While I generally enjoy a simple life, prioritizing experiences
over possessions, I also do a fairly good job of keeping things to remind me of
poignant moments in my life, particularly my love life. It’s probably worth
noting at this point that one of the prime movers helping me move to Denver was
a love that I was pursuing…and that one of the prime movers for me to do some
serious emotional aparigraha work now is a major love that has come into my
life. I want to foster this new love with well- tilled soil, benefiting from
previous loves and learnings, while also preparing the soil for the seeding of
a new crop. As a result, these past few weeks, I’ve wanted to clean my
emotional and physical house, to prepare the way for creating family in my
life, to let go of that which is no longer serving me, and is perhaps, actually
holding me back.
So I’ve cleaned out all sorts of places in my house:
underneath my bathroom sink, my handbag, my bookshelf. My grad school program
evaluation and assessment books? Let’s be honest- I’ve never consulted with
them in the years since grad school nor do I anticipate needing (or wanting) to
open them again. My Psychology resources from when I taught high school social
studies? I haven’t used those texts nor VHS tapes (!!) for over ten years. Time
to let them go. Yes, they were essential resources at one point for the life
that I was creating, and now I am moving forward on my path. In the letting go,
there is an honest acknowledgement that I will probably not return to teaching
high school. In a way, the aparigraha work is letting go identities that no
longer serve me. As someone who has enjoyed having had many different careers,
it’s a bit of a challenge to say, <no thank you> to career identities
that I’ve held in the past, particularly ones that I’ve enjoyed. What if I do
decide to go back to teaching or find that I need those old social justice
resource books? The fear and the grasping is evident here. Letting go can be
tough. If I do go back to teaching, I would be different as well as the
resources available would be different. (Again- VHS tapes?!)
And then there was the envelop at the back of my closet in
the box of memorabilia, the holding of letters and notes from previous loves.
They were the most beautiful, most telling notes that I had kept…and in my
aparigraha emotional cleansing, I knew that I needed to let them go. To be
honest, I think my keeping notes from previous loves was not only a way of
holding on to the past but also holding out on the future. Those notes weren’t
helping me be present in the moment or clear about what I am working to invite
into my life. The letters instead were markers of grief and things gone
differently than anticipated. Sure, in love, differently than anticipated is
actually anticipated (but probably not accepted all that much) but these
letters belonged to the heart/gut punch grief combo.
And so, I created a ritual. One evening, by candlelight, I
went through the letters, choosing to read some and simply acknowledging most
of them. I found myself not wanting to further engage with the past and get
snared by old feelings of hurt and fear. Then I took the letters out to my
backyard and fed them into a firepit fire. The four elements: earth (paper
& wood), air (to make the flame), fire (yep), and water…Yes! In the heat of
this aparigraha fire, transformation was taking place. I found myself having
the fearful wondering about what was preventing me from repeat relationship
challenges that I’d had in these past relationships. I responded to this fear
with gratitude, acknowledging all that I have experienced in past
relationships. From my previous loves, I have learned much and have grown to be
able to have the fuller capabilities I have now in my current relationship. By
adding water to the embers to end the ritual and then adding the resulting slop
to my compost pile, I nodded to the richness that previous loves were offering
me to help me grow a lasting love at this time in my life. I’m not forgetting
or ignoring my past, but I’m not having it hold me back. Instead what I’ve
learned from the past is propelling me forward, towards new seedlings of
relationship, dreams, and connection. What a blessing!
 |
| The heat of aparigraha...and transformation |
 |
| The slop to provide nutrients for what is next |
Which takes me back to Tosha Silver’s powerful book, Outrageous
Openness, and her take on aparigraha. Tosha
writes about Divine Source (that all have Divinity within) and Divine Order
(that there is a cosmic map in place). She encourages folks to identify their
values and their intentions and then also put it out there to Divine Order to
help manifest what is best for us. How is this not The Secret? (Full disclosure- I can’t stand The Secret
as I think it does an amazing job at victim
blaming. Argh!) The key is that when we pray or lean into Divine Order, the
response we receive in our lives may not be the exact vision of what we had
wanted. This is where aparigraha comes in. For instance, I’m not sure whether
I’ll be moving to Brooklyn or my love will be moving to Denver this year. Heck,
we’re not even sure of the timing that we’d want for it. We’re being
intentional about feeling out the various career options in each location, as
well as the fit of each of the places. Both my partner and I are prayerfully
invoking Divine Order and aparigrapha at the same time. “Let what
wants to come, come. Let what wants to go, go. If it is mine, it will stay. If
not, whatever is better will replace it.” (Tosha
Silver, p. 71). I’m fairly confident that what will eventually happen regarding
the move and its timing will inevitably be an option that we haven’t thought of
yet but is also better than anything we have imagined. In this way, evoking
Divine Order means putting our intentions out there and then getting out of the
way of the Divine: aparigraha. With aparigraha then, we can have an intentional
openness to what is present and also emerging in our lives. I’m all for that…
and having fewer boxes of stuff to move if/when the time comes!
Opening up to aparigraha in your life:
+ What things- emotional, physical, cognitive- are you
holding tightly? What does this holding serve?
+ What does letting go feel like in your body? Your heart?
+ What hopes or dreams do you have for your future that
could benefit from aparigraha/letting go?
+ Try the aparigraha prayer this next week when you’re
feeling stressed or concerned about how your intentions will play out into
reality. How do things transform?
* From Tosha Silver’s book Outrageous Openness: Letting
the divine take the lead. New York: Atria Books. (I highly recommend
this book. It’s been transformative for me. I hope it will be for you.)
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