To be honest, one of my
biggest frustrations of 2015 has been attentiveness, or rather the lack
thereof. Being a middle child employed in a “helping” profession, I can
actually orchestrate it that the attention goes to others and not to myself.
Probably a good skill for a mental health therapist and educator to have but
not so satisfying in romantic relationships.
So what is attentiveness?
I teach a meditation class twice a week and repeat many times throughout the meditation the basic
mindfulness practice: “Focus on your breath, noticing its path in and out of
your body. (Pause of several minutes). Notice what you are paying attention
to and, with tenderness, return back to your breath.” This is awareness or presence. To get to the
attentiveness level though, we can take what we noticed and add responsiveness.
This responsiveness is grounded in love, compassion, empathy (take your pick!)
and addresses our underlying needs that are present in this moment.
Responsiveness is not reactivity or that protective quick response that we have
in which we defend ourselves on a survival level (often hurting others in the
process). For instance, I can practice attentiveness by pausing, noticing how
my body is feeling in this moment, withholding self-judgment, noticing that I’m
thirsty, and getting up and drinking a drink of water. (I’ve got the post-yoga
thirst!)
Attentiveness= presence
(awareness/attention)+ responsiveness.
Seems simple, but for me,
this is a Holy Grail of the life changing work that I’ve been digging into
lately. So, in a meta/metta exercise, how about offering myself attentiveness
to my attentiveness? After some honest self-appraisal, here’s what I’ve got, in
order of attentiveness offered (the things that I am most attentive to are at
the top of my list):
* Lotus (my ten-year-old
pup): She wants in or out of the house, she wants her meal, she wants to play
ball during my morning yoga practice, she isn’t feeling well and needs to go to
the vet? I’m there! I see her
(and her need) (= presence) and help her out (open the door, throw her favorite
toy for her, etc). I don’t really judge or begrudge Lotus her wants and needs.
Let’s face it, while she does have mad circus skills, she doesn’t have
opposable thumbs and needs help navigating the house and her desires. She and I
have this contract together: she warms the bed at night and brings me Delight
(and at times opportunities to practice patience) and I take care of her needs.
After ten years of being in relationship with each other, Lotus and I, I’m
fairly able to let go my frustrations with her personality hiccups and see them
as cute quirks that make her Lotus, instead.
(Pause please, while I
throw Lotus the ball in the backyard. Her tail is waggling and she keeps
looking at the ball. My typing skills are apparently not as fast as she would
like them to be!)
* My work at my place of
employment: deadlines, projects, emails, clients. Sure I get paid to pay
attention to these things and be responsive and I also really enjoy the purpose and meaning that
my work provide me. I also know though, that I dedicate more bandwidth to my
work at my place of employment than probably sustainable. Let’s face it: there
will always be emails to answer and program components to tweak and…. Thank God
for the suggestion to only check email a few times a day in big chunks. YES!!
* My hunger level: If I’m
not attentive to this, I’m pretty useless- with my frontal cortex shutting down
and its problem solving ability with it (aka: I try to always have a protein
bar on hand, in case of emergencies.).
* My critical mind: So, it
turns out that human brains have evolved to have four main functions of
thinking: problem finding, problem solving, evaluating, and storytelling. These
four have helped us stay alive and for that, I’m grateful. The problem though
is, as with any major brain function, the more that we practice one of these
functions, the better we become at it and the more frequently our brain with throw in that skill for added
flourish. Case in point? My brain excels at finding what’s wrong with me in any
given moment: my skin, my chin, my outfit, my preparation for something, my use
of time, etc. You get the point, right? Exactly! because I’m guessing that you’re
human, too, and have a similar model of brain as I have. Welcome to the human
race, eh?
So if this is the way that
my brain is hardwired to function, what hope do I have to get to the things
that I want to be attentive to (aka: the items further down on this list)? Ah,
I sense an opportunity for a spiritual practice!
* My need for movement: My
days start with yoga and a walk with Lotus. I now have a standing desk at work
to help reduce my angstiness with sitting so much. (Sorry, big booty!) I head
to the yoga studio several times a week for a spiritual and physical workout,
not to mention to practice curiosity about this wonder of a body that I have!
* My need for
spirituality: see Presence. See my need for movement. See the sacred
conversations that I have with clients. See going to church. See writing this
blog.
* The natural world: How
to be attentive to the planet? (Yep, this could be a long blog entry just on
itself.) My work in the outdoor industry has me trained that when I see trash,
I instantly get a mental message to pick it up. Same with seeing a spider/bug
in my house: Time to relocate, buddy, to the outdoors where you’ll be more
comfortable! I try to bike on Sundays to reduce my carbon footprint, see things
from a different perspective, and attend to my need for movement and play.
* My need for sleep and
rest… my playfulness…my need for touch… My dreams and hopes for the future
I’m
putting all of these together as they really are the core of what my inner child
needs…and they typically come as the last things that I’m attentive to.
Honestly, my adult self is not very good at listening to little Katie. When I
was a little kid, I used to dream of becoming a professional ballerina and
would dance around the house in a little tutu. Then, when that dream of
professional ballerina-dom didn’t seem as likely to occur, I moved on to
dreaming up being a psychologist on a kids’ oncology floor, being a nun, and
being an author. (I was hopeful for a long life!) In high school, I dreamt of
running in the state track meet. In college…. Hmm… what did I dream of in
college? And after? Somewhere my critical mind took over and I became dedicated
to attending it. The little kid
in me, the dreamer, the dancer with fewer inhibitions? Yeah, she was demoted to
the bottom of the list. Ouch! There’s even more of a kicker, though. Turns out
that my joy and satisfaction in life doesn’t come from attending my inner
critic, no matter how hard I try to please her or anticipate her tantrums.
Contentment, for me, comes from deeply listening (Presence) and attending to
what all of me needs, and after
several decades of not paying attention to my inner child, she’s pissed and
wants some serious attention.
What does it look like to
attend to oneself? Well, this week, I had opportunities to practice being
present with the needs of my inner child and attending to her when I… wore a
really uncomfortable outfit to work and changed into comfortable clothes when I
got home (despite my critical mind saying that that’d be a waste of time),
problem solved not having heat in the house when it was 40s outside, and
crafting capes for Lotus and me to wear for dancing around the house, walks
around Sloan’s Lake, and being playful. Deal is that my inner critic said that
I’m uncomfortable wearing costumes or that because I won’t be at home for
Halloween, that I shouldn’t bother having a costume. Let’s face it- the problem
finder and evaluator functions of my mind were all over why making these capes
was a bad idea. Time efficient, they were not, BUT, having fun, being alive and
playful, listening to the little Katie who loves to dance and have others’
attention, they certainly are! Little Katie thinks that the capes are a little
risky bit of fun. She loves when her heart races as she gallops out into the
“stretch” zone (like wearing the cape to my therapy appointment today!).
How did I respond to my
critical mind? Is it possible to be attentive to it, too, without judging it? I
found myself saying, “Thank you, critical mind, for trying to protect me. I’m
good with making the capes, even if they don’t turn out perfect and even if I
feel awkward wearing mine.” I can’t expect a romantic partner or parents or
bosses to be attentive to my inner needs when I’m not offering that to myself.
True story. Sure, I may be super skillful at attending others (it’s my
vocation!) but that doesn’t mean that I have to be less than satisfied (aka:
grumpy!) about not having the attention reciprocated. It’s time to show up, be
Present, and attend to myself- all of me. The work feels bold and important and
spiritual for me. How about you?
Practice:
Several times a day, ask
yourself: “What is it like to be me in this moment?” After grounding yourself in an awareness
of your present experience, then ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
Maybe the response is compassion, rest, food, or play. See if you can offer
yourself what you need without additional judgment.
Practice with a partner:
Share with a loved one
what your inner child is like. What aspects of attention are tender for this
part of you? How can your loved one help you attend this part of yourself? What
would it feel like for your loved one to attend this part of yourself,
themselves?
Got to run. Lotus needs
inside the house, again!
